Today Bill came in from getting cigarettes to stock the shop with and in tow was a huge case of Monster Energy. He was acting like a kid who just got a new bicycle, doing everything but jumping up and down. We are a Monster retailer so I did not think anything of it — I figured he just really liked that flavor, until I looked closer. This Monster is like no other heart attack in a bottle I’ve ever seen. I present to you, the Monster Energy B.F.C., I can only assume the acronym means BIG FUCKING CAN, in which case that’s no lie.
This big MF comes in at a whopping 32 ounces and 108 grams of sugar and 400 calories. Now I’m not caloric Nazi by any means *looks at gut and shrugs*, but Jesus H. Christ — 400 fucking calories and 108 grams of sugar? Who ever created this elixir of heart plaque is a fucking maniac. They should have included a defibrillator with each case of the elixir of death, you know for when someone drinks it and goes into cardiac arrest? It’s going to happen, I know it. I KNOW IT!
If you drink a 32oz Monster you’re either high on Meth, bat shit crazy, or you want to die. None the less, I suppose if you’re going to then get the defibrillator ready and let the good times roll, you crazy fuckers.
2 Comments to “Monster Energy B.F.C.”
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Deanna says:
No thanks. I’ll just stick to my coffee.
That good sir, is a Stroke, Heart Attack and Diabetes in A BIG FUCKIN CAN!